Two months and counting and I’m beginning to burn myself out with studying.
Considering that I’m now a fourth year student and just one year shy away from graduation, I should be a heck more excited and obsessive to get on with my tasks more than ever. Yet all I feel is emptiness and confusion on what should I do towards taking my first step on an independent lifestyle.
I’m thinking of taking up part-time jobs on online writing just so I can earn an extra bread and show my old man that I can earn faster than he could in a thousand years (About my issue with him, I’ll discuss it some time). I’m at loss whether I should continue being serious on seeking my internship or seeking some sort of racket to fuel my ego that I can live and earn for myself.
I’ve tried passing applications and resumes in several emails but so far, nobody bothered to reply on any of those. Heck, even a letter that you didn’t pass is enough.
I feel like I’m heading nowhere. The feeling of not being sure on where you’re going is acutely more painful than being rejected or ignored. I feel like I should do something, but something tells me I should wait, then develop an urge to do something again only to end up being pushed to a heavy landing on my butt.
This sort of suspension, coupled with an inborn inferiority complex and insecurity is probably the worst feeling of all. Not that I’m suicidal or anything but right now, I’m simply on my knees at awe, watching how these feelings can easily pulverize the walls of self esteem and short-term gratification I built around myself. No matter how you tell yourself how strong you are, there will always be that something which will prove you wrong.
Well enough for my mindless writing right now. I should get back on seeking where I should spend the next five months for my OJT. And oh, I should open a new tab if there’s any available writing jobs somewhere…Something tells my mom wouldn’t provide me an allowance for the next two weeks.
So my grand quest on becoming a hero had reached a minor setback…