So many ‘what should have been’s

Things get a little depressing when you’re 20. At this age, you reflect the things you’ve done (and haven’t done) for the past 2 decades of your life, remembering the good things and the bad, thinking of things you know you should do but can’t, or in some cases, won’t.

I’m just a brink away from graduation and one step away to the consequential life of an adult. Unlike others, I can’t say I’m dying to run up the stairs and grab the diploma I’ve rightfully deserved after four years of grueling study. Yet the whole thing feels like leaving your house  without your pants on. It sounds uncomfortable and you feel that something is terribly missing.

At this point, I guess it felt right to reflect on my life, through a way I knew which is best, and that is writing. It’s like a mirror to me, I couldn’t face myself without it. It’s good to mold into words all those negative energy, let your fingers and mind do the work instead your mouth. Besides, my mom wouldn’t be too happy if she discovered her eldest, soon-to-graduate daughter curled up in some corner and blabbering nonsense to herself.

  • I should have taken a Broadcast Communication, Communication Arts, Film, etc. Degree

First, I actually find my self starting to get dissatisfied with my course. Don’t get me wrong, Journalism is a very good choice. I love the thrill the job demands, and the rich promise of serving the public through one of the most influential institutions in the country, the media. I am in love with writing, and still is. I think I wouldn’t be able to reach this state of thinking if it weren’t for journalism. I think I wouldn’t be this politically and socially aware, dare I say, patriotic, were it not for journalism.

It’s not because of the perils or the challenges of the job that makes me cringe. It’s not about the course. It’s a more personal overhaul. I simply started falling in love with films, creative programs, production and scriptwriting. I not only wanted to tell stories; I wanted to create them. You can imagine the trouble it will bring when a journalist starts to think of imaginary characters than real case studies, draws out outrageous scenarios than searching for the truth. Just thinking about the future libel lawsuits piled up in my desk like those of a senator’s tax evasion cases makes me shudder.

I started thinking that through films and TV, I can better help my fellowmen and hopefully, for my country. God knows how the local media needs quality shows right now. What dumbs the masses down is not because of lack of education, or jobs, or addiction to video games. It’s on the media, on the TV. A hypodermic needle that continues to feed numbing drugs to the minds and bodies of people who should act instead of demanding the government to act for them.

I think journalism has opened my eye for this facet of reality in the Philippines, but as my mentor once said, I need to go deeper. I’m not leaving the discipline entirely; I’m just trying to reach out for a different field to connect with it. Public service combined with creative prowess. In a country where shows are propelled by ratings, sales and artists’ popularity, this is a far-fetched combination, nevertheless, a promising one.

  • I should have aimed UP

Let me tell you a little thing about myself while in highschool: I was your fucked-up little badass. I lived wild and free, unstoppable and basically uncaring. I have good friends during highschool, and I couldn’t deny I pretty much spent the remainder of my final year having fun with them instead of dumping my head to the books and thinking about my future. Being in a science high school, I can’t explain how I survived there.

So yes, when the final reckoning began, and the seniors are searching like mad for colleges to go and courses to take, I was addicted to the whole idea of going to UST. Not because my mates are in there, but from the start, UST was my dream school. I remembered seeing it as a kid, and promising to myself I’ll be attending there as an almost-adult. I really couldn’t care less if half of the kids I know wanted to go to UP; I recognized its prestige and great achievements demonstrated by its faculty and alumni; I just couldn’t envision myself studying within its borders. Part of me is thinking that there are lots of students who deserve the honor of attending it than I do, and I felt I didn’t deserve to be a part of its student body because of my reckless, lax ways and immature thinking.

To make the story short: I passed the USTET but my family’s income went into a deep recession just like what’s happening to the Euro right now, and by that time, PUP is the only available college I can attend. UST’s tuition makes me cry. PUP’s tuition is just…whoa. Even if I could have taken UPCAT then and passed, I still couldn’t manage to go there because of our meager income, one that PUP can obviously fill (with lots of extra pesos to spare) Although it was later I realized that UP has tuition brackets for students depending on their families’ financial capability.

But now when I developed the need to learn to express myself through films and creative means, I found myself wishing I should have taken that blasted exam. Even if I fail, at least I should have tried. Now, I’m not only slightly envious of UP students but also people who failed to go there but tried and experienced the thrilling ride that is UPCAT.

PUP is a great university though. In fact, for my graduation, I would write a lengthy tribute about it. It’s the reason why I developed a twisted kind of thinking about being part of this generation which will save the nation (i think). It’s not so hard to fall in love with the institution. In fact, it’s very idiosyncrasies and lovable traits remind me of the Philippines. 

So what you should learn from me, dear reader, is that you should learn to set your priorities straight even when you’re still in highschool. While waiting for your crush to walk on the corridor, reflect on what you would want to do with your life and make it a goal to go to the school you want. That way you won’t turn into a frustrated, confused blogger who’s venting all her rants and insecurities on a blog which no one reads.


About sentimentalfreak

Consistently inconsistent. Forever searching and wandering. 'Tis only writing that calms down her restless little soul.

Posted on December 2, 2012, in reflections and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Very inspiring. I’ve actually taken the UPCAT last August 5, and I’m only waiting for the results to come out. Nerve-racking talaga. ‘Pag nakapasa ako, aalahanin kita, in behalf of the people who wanted to come to UP and make their dreams come true. ‘Di natin alam ang pina-plano ng Diyos. Malay mo may mas maganda pang magyayari sa iyo.

  2. Thanks! You can make it, I’m sure! 🙂 And just as you say, if you don’t make it, there’s gotta be reason for that. We might know it now but we will realize this eventually. I’m planning to take my masteral at UP though, if I saved enough money for that, so give me a head’s up if you’re going to study there. But more than the school, it’s really important to know what you really want. If it’s truly your passion, you can be successful in it regardless on whichever school you came from 😉

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