My Spiritual Remission: Dealing with Rejections and Uncertainties
“I think we keep these moments of rejection and acceptance very close. I think we carry them always, like cracked shells from which a part of us once hatched.”– Simon Van Booy
These past few months were like hell to me. Fresh out of job, I spent the remaining months of 2013 wondering if I made the right decision to let go of my perfectly stable career. I played with the idea of starting a novel or develop my scriptwriting skills as a temporary freeloader but I am constantly distracted by my lack of confidence, the random spurts of jealousy over my classmates with good career and sometimes, both. It was such a depressing time to be me.
To compensate for my bruised ego, I tried to apply for many jobs as I can. My job applications reached around 70 for the last three months! Most of the time, I don’t have any experience or knowledge for the job but what the heck, at least I’m trying. I had good marks, my former bosses and mentors were pretty glad to have me around, but despite all that, I experienced countless rejections and disappointments. I mostly bumbled during the interviews and when I finally had worked up a nerve to get through the painful process, there’s the another test/writing exam to deal with. Most of the positions I applied for are for Business writing and frankly, I haven’t got any slightest idea what I was doing during the exams and the interviews. From news feature to straight-up business writing: I’m like a goldfish who dropped outside of its fishbowl.
Rejections, as my good friend had once pointed out, can be a good thing. At least they show that you’re trying. I always said that to myself after a disastrous interview or a bungled test, like a mantra, but I’m not the most patient human being in the world. I seek to move, to be productive for once, to learn something new and to experience, to surprise myself. The day I stopped surprising myself is the day I have stopped learning.
Another problem with yours truly is that, I don’t know what I want! It’s like reading an upside-down map. You know where you’re going but you have no idea how to get there. You think that you should be having the time of your life and enjoy your youth while you’re still…well, young. You should be free to choose your own options and bear responsibility of your actions. You want money, to spend most of time with your friends, to be dedicated to your hobbies and at the same time, free from the indifferent corporate slavery most of young people in this country are in. I think that’s what the problem most of us fresh graduates are facing: We are hit by the realization that we are ill-equipped with the real world. We stuffed ourselves with too much knowledge and self-absorbed ego of having to acquire a degree that there’s no room for courage and willpower anymore.
I began to doubt myself. I began to doubt God and everything I once believed in. And instead of regaining my faith, I drifted away from Him out of anger and frustration. I had stopped reading the Bible, I began to develop a sarcastic, cynical sense of humor. Just when I was about to reach the breaking point, I decided to turn around to face Him for the last time and said “Okay, God. I’m fed up with all this sh*t. I’m tired. Imma throw everything to You. Since you created me, you probably know what’s best for me than my over-demanding brain does. If You do me a miracle, I’m gonna return to you faster than anyone of us can say ‘Jesus, take the wheel.’”
And that’s it.
One night, I was randomly browsing the internet when a job entry pops up in my newsfeed. Upon reading the description, I grew increasingly attracted to the responsibilities of the job. Never did I want a job so much! That same night, I wrote a cover letter and sent my CV. My chest is thumping like, ‘This is it, this is it’ but my mind’s not allowing to get my hopes up. The mind is truly a fancy thing. Once you have been hurt over and over again, it develops a mechanism that involves lowering down your expectations, presenting the cold, hard facts and basically protecting you from another harrowing experience of disappointment.
Days later, after a terrible interview with a different company who is in need of a web content moderator, I received a text from the company of the job I wanted, saying I was qualified for the first interview. I was torn between excitement and fear. What if I messed up again? What the heck would I do after? Where do I go now? But a voice called out from my mind: Let me handle this. I remembered I put God in charge, that I demoted myself from the cockpit. I worked up all my guts and my faith and went to the interview.
I found out that there were a dozen applicants trying out for the job. Most of them speak in English as if it’s their own tongue. Most of them have experience from different fields. I think I was the only one who was a fresh graduate in the flock. I felt small and insignificant. But then, a voice called out from the back of my head and told me to shut up. And so I did.
The interview went smooth, for the most part. They called me up again for the second interview with the director. And again, I think God’s with me during those crucial moments. They told me to wait for their call next week. The doubt that has been eating me since the past days had swallowed me whole. When they say that, it means like a death sentence.
I began to think that I won’t get the job. But I don’t want to go through all the pain alone once again. I turned to God and said, “Hey, I want this job but it’s okay too if I won’t get it. I learned my lesson, okay? I need you. When I fail this one, I want you to stay with me so I have someone to complain to, or to share my rants with. You know what’s best for me, even if it’s a painful best.”
It’s funny because I’ve still been thinking of the job even after a week. A tiny part of me was still hoping and waiting. The worst part of the whole process of acceptance is waiting.
And today, before picking my little brother from school, I checked my phone, expecting to see a text from my bestfriend who wants to talk to me that time. What I saw….well, I got the job. I had to slap myself two times to see if it’s a hallucination, brought by many nights of lack of sleep. But it was frickin right there. That they’re offering me the job. Me. The fresh grad. The one who speaks English like a dead fish. The one who had been rejected for so many times.
Damn it, I should have let God take over in the first place.
I figure out my dreams and goals are like a tiny flame on a wicker candle. It constantly dances and changes its form, never content to stay in one shape. It will be a troublesome life for me, so I decided to let God give it a go. He knows me more than I do and what I would probably want forever.
My faith, combined with the philosophical Law of Attraction, made everything possible. The night before the second, crucial interview, I flipped the Bible open and found this passage: Jeremy 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”
So for anyone who’s struggling right now and is in the verge of giving up, nothing in this world would work out the way you wanted to…MOST OF THE TIME. Nothing is certain, nothing is forever. The only thing who’s ever constant is Him and that’s where you have to cling into. Just trust in Him. Test Him. Challenge Him. Make a bet if He can turn your whole life upside down and what He only asks in return is give yourself to Him. Miracles do happen, and it’s a fusion of you wanting something and Him wanting this for you. In the end, cliché as this may sound, you’ll just have to believe. 🙂